So, I last left you typing away in a hotel room with my “friend” Chad. The question at hand was; will this trip turn out with more than a friendship? By this point, Chad and I have romped across four states, seen the capital, met up with his family, trudged through snow and eaten lots of food and drank lots of Starbucks. I’m exhausted from the whirlwind of traveling and time change but am having a blast. Even with all of our time together, we’ve only still vaguely talked about what I am doing here.
We had an evening that we had dinner and drinks with Chads’ crew. They were some of the warmest and welcoming people. The women sat around the dinner table chatting and getting to know each other and the guys sat in the garage drinking beer around a propane fire. It was a low key evening. The girls were asking how long we’d been together, and if I liked it out in Virginia. My response was that we were just friends and that Virginia seemed nice. At one point Chad’s friend Jason was talking to me about Chad. “Chad is nervous around you. I’ve never seen him nervous around anyone.” Ok, so what am I supposed to do with that? Do I bring it up? Do I wait for Chad to bring something up? Screw it! I’ll bring it up. As we were lying in bed, I said, “Jason seems to think I make you nervous.” “You do, you always have.” The conversation was insightful but just skimmed the surface. We were both nervous and hesitant about what was said. I am the kind of girl he’s looking for, but I don’t know if he’s what I’m looking for. We’ve been friends for so long! It’s hard to view him as being more. The next morning we left for North Carolina, with nothing more being spoken of.
On Sunday evening we went to dinner at a local brewery on the beach of North Carolina. We drank, talked it up with the locals and had an amazing dinner. Chad is a lightweight, so he ended up feeling pretty good. Before we returned to the hotel, we went down to the beach and competed with the waves and laughed freely! And, I may or may not have had a dance party by myself in the hotel room. (I love to dance!) But something happened that night that would change the remainder of the trip. Chad put the moves on me…and I froze! There were so many questions and concerns running through my mind, not to mention that we haven’t had a physical relationship in any sense this whole time. I was completely caught off guard and failed to go with the flow.
We spent the following day at the beach, not a peep was spoken of the night before. When we returned back to Chad’s home in Virginia, he went to wash his truck. Little did I know, this would be a four hour task. So I watched Netflix. Upon his return, I asked him if he was ok. He said he was. We went to dinner, where he watched TV and did all he could to avoid talking to me. I put my card down to cover my portion of the ticket but he paid. The biggest surprise came when we got to the car. He starts out, “I have one question for you, are you broke? Do you have any money?” I was dumbfounded!! Where did this come from? Why is he so angry with me? Well, we got to talk about it on the longest short drive ever. He expressed that he felt rejected and possibly used by me. This broke my heart. In no way did I ever intend to hurt or make Chad feel this way. I tried to explain that I was caught off guard and am trying to figure this all out on the little communication that we’ve had about the topic. He ends the conversation with, “we’re just friends.” Wammo! I felt like I got gut punched! Honestly, I don’t know if it’s because I was just rejected or that it was all based on a lack of communication. What it does feel like is that I’ve just lost a friend.
I went to the airport 4.5 hours before my flight because I couldn’t take the tension. Chad and I haven’t spoken since my return two and a half weeks ago. I am still perplexed by the questions of how I’m feeling, how Chad is feeling, what happened and where do I go from here? Thus far, this has been the toughest thing I’ve had to write about. The words are locked in emotions that I don’t know how to deal with. I have butterflies in my stomach, but these are not from elated emotions, they are full of anxiety and sadness. I know that I need to call Chad and sort things out, but I don’t even know if he will be honest with me or just brush the conversation off with “everything is fine.”
Although this fairytale isn’t quite so happy, what I can say is that communication is SO important, and needs to be done before it’s too late. Communication, or the lack of, can make or a break a relationship no matter what stage it is in. Other thoughts that I have mulling around are on what my expectations for a relationship are and if they are realistic. Those thoughts are to be divulged later. Until then, happy dating and enjoy the sunshine!